Tuesday, July 20, 2004

brace yourselves...

My mind is in one of its more out of control states...I don't think its been this bad since the week after Graduation....The wedding I attended this weekend has started a storm...just like so many things have done recently...I mean, a good storm...a storm of chaotic thought, however...maybe writing will help me articulate...cause I'm not really getting anywhere by just thinking...This post will have no organization or logic...and it will have a lot of elipses...I like elipses...I really need to write because I'm thinking a lot...and not just about the fact that I just watched one of my good friends from high school become a married man...but I think it might all stem from it...I feel so old...but I also so aware of my youth...and I'm afraid...afraid of losing my youth...but I'm also elated that I am young...I don't know what I think about strip clubs (not that I FREQUENT them, but I will admit that I visited one for the purposes of the ceremonial BACHELOR PARTY_...part of me wants to write off all the girls that work there because of their chosen occupation (I mean who makes a voluntarily decision to let themselves become an object...less than human?)..except I have always given EVERYONE the benefit of the doubt, and I'm not sure if thats a bad quality or good quality, although I think in the end it will benefit me...but if you ask Linkin Park, "In the end it doesn't really matter." But it does matter. In the end. Linkin Park is WRONG. Why? Because love never dies...that is, unless we kill it...Love, obviously doesn't give a shit about the obstacles before it, notably time and space....You can fall in love with someone that you have just met because of one thing that they say...or one way that they look at you...or one way that they touch you...I truly believe it...You can fall in love with someone just as you realize that in the next moment...this person will no longer be there for you to talk to and to touch...but you will still love them...even when they're gone...and you will still get that funny feeling every time you hear that song that reminds you of them...even if it was just for a few days and may have been one-sided...you can fall in love with someone who you are dancing with at a wedding...who you never met before the first time you danced...and who you will barely get to know and probably never see again...you can connect with someone just by touching their hand and feeling them touch back...reciprocal...recipricol kinda but not exactly like the way the way two people look at each other as they stand together at the altar...this was the first time I really paid attention...almost made me burst into tears in the middle of the ceremony...oh, and the way she looked...in her eyes...as she walked down the aisle...so much love...God?...although I feel depressed right now, I'm really not...my mind is just trying to process all this new emotion...emotion that it never felt before this weekend...New emotion? If that doesn't prove the existence of some sort of higher power, I don't know what does. If all the framework of consciousness is simply explained by neuroscience, how do you exlpain feeling a new emotion?...new emotion...it makes me feel alive...makes me feel excited for the next moment...cause even the next moment could bring yet another new emotion...I made several new friends this weekend...just guys that are living life...having the same types of thoughts/experiences that I am...loving life as much as I am...laughing at life as much as I am...If I can give any advice right now it would be that you should laugh at life more often...sometimes thats all you can do...laugh...often recently I've been so happy about being in the moment that I was in that I just couldn't stop laughing...nothing was funny, though...it was just beautiflul...like dancing after the wedding...and drunken karaoke after the wedding...(by the way, listen to more country...Its a good reminder that sometimes the best things in live are not complex at all...they are actually as simple as getting a beer with friends...ore those little moments that Brad Paisley sings about in "Little Moments" I, too, live for those little moments)...or getting stoned with oliver in my car in my sketchy parking garage a couple weeks ago...or getting drunk with my cousins for the first time ever (at a family reunion!)...or sitting in a ghetto apartment in Estacada playing caps with O, Drew, and Kinley...or watching Nate on stage at his bachelor party...with 4 naked girls giving him lap dances and riding on his back as he around the stage...or making a fool of myself at the wedding reception...on the dancefloor..and seeing the looks on the faces of the friends who never knew this side of me...time and space and love...when are they going to come together for me? ever?...appreciate your up's cause there's gonna be downs...appreciate your downs...cause there's gonna be up's...as Modest Mouse would say, "well we'll float on there's good news on the way...and we'll all float on alright...don't worry, even if things end up a bit heavy...we'll all float on alright."....love that song right now....I'm so eager to float on...to experience...to love...ok, I'm done...for now...l

I want to fall in love. But I know its going to happen...just don't know when. I'm not depressed...just impatient. But we all float on. Float on.

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